The Old & The New - growth

My consciousness keeps contracting, and then it expands again. In the contraction, I am very close to suffering – sometimes grotesque, sometimes subtle. Separation, worries, small and large problems. It is as if the lens through which I see the world narrows. Everything feels constricted: a wall between me and life.

And then it expands again. Spaciousness, movement, so much zest for life. Everything happens effortlessly. Things fall into place. I feel myself, I am myself. Like a small child beneath the starry sky.

This is how it moves, back and forth -
from contraction to expansion,
from effort to effortlessness,
from separation to connection.

The contractions turn out to be necessary: to grow, to live through the human condition and learn to understand it.

Slowly, more freedom arises. It is as if we are living in a thick mist of dysfunction, while at the same time so much clarity is available. The further I go, the more the mist lifts. I am moving toward wholeness. Sometimes it feels like a trip, and I have grown used to it. It demands everything of me. Fortunately, there are a few people close to me who understand.

And again and again, I return to the same themes, cyclically, as if life keeps showing me a new layer each time. With every round, a piece of integration, an expansion of my capacity to hold it all. This is how life flows deeper and deeper through me. It is very powerful.

And I know: so much is possible. It gives me hope, not only for myself but for all of us.

August 2023